What Each App Means to Me

My friend and I recently got into a playful argument over what social media apps were the most toxic and should be, in our words, banned. At this point we had sangria, gin and tonics, beer, and probably something else evil mixed in there and were fueled to the max with conviction. But in the light of day, I realized it’s a trick question because they’re all bad. Can you guess which one of these hellscapes we defended?



Instagram

The queen of toxicity, if an MLM was a person and then an app, but she’s so gorgeous and always has a professional grade blow-out while the look behind her eyes calls you ugly. But then you tug on her locks and it’s actually a poorly glued wig that comes right off and so does her skin and wow it’s that weird guy’s mom who sits in the window all day while he runs a sketchy motel! Where modeling, magazine edits, and the art of humble-bragging go to die. Still, one of my favorite girlies, despite pushing down the posts of regular people to where my like count has been reduced to 10% of what it once was. Don’t know how people are supposed to use it for social networking and self-promotion when the only accounts that get airtime are celebs and/or brands! It’s almost like we’ve sacrificed fun narcissism for shopping :/ And yet I will compile “photo dumps” and thirst traps until we’re forced to relocate to Mars and have clips installed in our heads to communicate.


Twitter

I delete and redownload this cesspool of 140-character so-called “hot takes” where everyone can relish in the pure fury of a comments section without having to watch a single video or look at an image (though these are both present). And yet, as soon as I get out, they pull me back in.

I downloaded it again just this week to follow a writer whose work I newly discovered. She’s not on Instagram which begs the thought, is this where the culture is? I think the answer is still no, but I wish I could stand all the annoying people who use this to purge their compulsion to talk about how ~ crazy silly random ~ they are because it does seem like the number 1 platform for writers. Oh goodness me!


Facebook

This one has it all! Embarrassing content of middle school me, the spread of misinformation by someone’s uncle who can’t discern between a real photo and a Photo-shopped image, cute pictures of my cousins, constant marriage announcements, cheap second hand furniture, groups where collectors post descriptions of creepy dolls, international collusion…need I say more? It’s the car wreck of a lifetime and I cannot look away no matter how much I wish we could delete it all and never turn back.


YouTube

Once the G.O.A.T, now reduced to radicalizing the youth (and beyond), YouTube will always have a special place in my heart. My jr. high and high school years saw the peak of this platform and at one point, my “Watch Later” list was so long I had to categorize it into other separate lists. But now? It seems like most creators have left for god knows where and left me with workout instructors (no shade to my beloved Yoga with Adrienne), cat relaxation, clips from Ed Sullivan, the occasional video essay and just enough scraps to keep me hanging on.


TikTok

TikTok is kind of perfect except for the part where it’s completely rotting all of our brains. I’ve learned a lot about personal finance, women’s health, DIY projects, hummus, child psychology, and more but I’ve also gotten into more than one fight with a teenager. Not to mention, the endless scrolling is giving us all ADHD (which I know because TikTok made me put a finger down); there's a reason why tumblr (🪦) had a post limit per day.


Pinterest

A heart pure of gold and arteries clogged by decades of Tasty recipe videos and outfits swallowed whole by infinity scarves. If you push past these cobwebs, you’ll find all the inspiration for design projects, vacation wardrobes, dinner parties, etc. you’ll ever need. Bonus: you barely have to interact with anyone. No one would dare to suggest this should be deleted.


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writer + pop culture queen + dedicated follower of fashion